Yup, we’re talking about sex, friends.
Go ahead, give it a double tap and don’t just save this post. Take up some space. Let your handle show on this post and let’s start changing the conversation.
Communication can be hard. But put sex into the mix and many of us get lost. We’re not sure how to ask for feedback or give it. We can get distracted in fears and insecurities and worry about what the other person might think if we reveal, share, express, direct, etc.
I have a lot to say on this topic, but tonight I wanted to focus on something so many of us can forget about.
Whether you’ve had many sexual partners, none, or somewhere in between, the best way for you to have an expansive and connected experience with the person who is in front of you is by listening to and being attuned to the person in front of you. Being informed by porn, books, past partners, or your imagination is not the roadmap to THEIR experience. (It may inform some of yours.) You and anyone new is a blank slate. You may know things about yourself but be aware of telling yourself that you know about theirs. I know it can feel confronting, but drop into curiosity. Ask questions. Explore your relationship to giving and receiving feedback. Be aware of what stories you’re telling yourself, the expectations you have, and what judgments try to nudge their way forward.
No, someone doesn’t need to like something just because someone else did. Ya know?! Just sit with that. Sit with any thought that sounds similiar to that.
This is a BIG conversation but I wanted to get it started. What do you have to add? #mindfulmft
Oh the stories we tell ourselves, and the programming that takes over our beliefs. People who are single can range from being really lonely to really connected, joyful, and at peace. People who are in relationship can range from being lonely to really connected, joyful, and at peace. Wowzas. Would you look at that? We’ve been told so many times before that people who are in relationships are happier than singles. But it’s not so simple and straight forward.
Let’s break this down a bit. Yes, research *does* show us that people who are truly happy in their relationships report happier and healthier lives than people who are happy and content with being single, but happy and content singles take the win when they’re up against people who are in relationships that are unhappy and dysfunctional (which...is a pretty high percentage). It’s not wrong to emphasize the value of healthy relationships, it’s just damaging to emphasize being in ANY relationship as the goal. And unfortunately, so much of our messaging and programming supports that. The fact that we don’t generally learn how to have healthy relationships as we’re growing up, the age constraints many women are constantly reminded of, the fears around youthfulness being lost, are all things that can easily walk all of us down the aisle to this programmed (false) victory and celebration we attach to being in a relationship.
Being in healthy relationships is the win. Being connected, supported, knowing you’re loved and cared for (and doing the same in return), trusting that your experience is as important as you’re partner’s (and vice versa), being able to share your inner most truths...these things improve our lives. Plain and simple.
So here’s the message. Being single and happy is pretty damn amazing. It’s a beautiful space to exist in. Wanting a relationship to just want a relationship and to avoid the story that there’s something wrong with you because you’re single is total bullshit. Wanting a relationship because you see the value in partnership and the beautiful things that can come along with that is incredible. Healthy relationships will change your world. Commit to that. Do THAT work. #mindfulmft
Your inner child needs to trust you as the adult. As the adult who can finally watch over you and protect you, lead you, guide you, and love you. When you tell your inner self that you’re going to do something and then don’t do it, there’s going to be a war inside. Don’t test that little munchkin in there. They’ll let a roar out and create some chaos that screams “stop messing with me!” Take care of your inner self by giving it what it needs. By seeing them and hearing them and honoring them. What gets in the way of following through on your word to yourself? What blocks you from sticking to your goals and pathway towards healing? Spend some time in that space and see what comes forward for you.
It’s hard to heal if your internal system knows you’re not going to follow through. Instead of a full on commitment, try some gentler language that’s a bit more workable as you chat it up with yourself: “Hey (inner) you, I know you need me right now. I see you and I hear what you’re craving. I’m going to try really hard to protect you in this moment, but sometimes I get scared too and misstep. Hang in there with me as I figure this one out, okay?!” You dig?! What’s your inner child need to hear from you?
As a start point, make one promise to yourself every day that you know you can keep. Start building up that internal sense of trust with yourself. If you happen to not keep the promise make sure you acknowledge it to yourself. Gently. Lovingly. But start somewhere. Start small.
October: COUPLES RETREAT
Link in bio. A couple of spots left.
Depletion. The things that take us away from ourselves, away from connection, honesty, transparency, authenticity, groundedness, acceptance, and more. These things weaken our systems, they weaken our sacred energy, and they weaken our relationships (to self and others). It’s important for us all to identify where in our lives we allow for depletion. Get curious here. Do you overwork? Do you lie? Do you present an image of yourself to the world that isn’t actually you that you need to keep up? Where do you pretend? Where do you hold within that needs to come out?
Naming and identifying these things to yourself is an important first step. And then leaning towards integrating a new way of living that will expand and uplift your world is important. In what ways can you be more honest? Can you share how you’re really feeling? Can you eliminate the small lies? Can you move away from behavior that is dishonorable to others? Think on it. How can you be more present and connect? Do you eliminate devices? Do you look a person in the eyes? Do you take the long way home to connect with yourself? Shop at local businesses? Strike up a conversation with a stranger? What could it be?
Reflect on this this week. What depleted your soul, and what brings it back? #mindfulmft
This weekend at the retreat our group came back to this over and over again. It’s hard being vulnerable. It’s confronting to get intimate with ourselves. And on top of that, we don’t have guarantees with it.
We don’t always trust and believe that doing it will lead us somewhere good. And yet what we learned this weekend was that leaning into revealing ourselves is still worth it because the external outcomes we try to control don’t actually matter as much as we think they do. Leaning in became worth it because the process of acknowledging ourselves, witnessing ourselves, having others witness us (yes, sometimes even strangers), and choosing not to hide ourselves anymore was THE powerful victory.
So many of us are afraid of rejection. We’ve experienced it before and don’t ever want to go back there. We’re afraid of not being what that person wants. We’re afraid that revealing ourselves will be the reason the people we love won’t want to love us or choose us. We convince ourselves that hiding is the safest way to make it through. Maybe that means not using our voice, not setting the boundary, hiding behind too rigid of boundaries, choosing to only share the things we think the other person can handle and so on. We hide ourselves so often and so easily, and then we begin to hide ourselves from ourselves. We use rationalizing and explanations to assist ourselves in hiding. We make up excuses, create stories, and find every reason in the book to make something okay when it isn’t.
It must stop. If we can’t reveal ourselves to ourselves then we aren’t listening to that which needs to be heard. If we don’t reveal ourselves to others then we can’t get that which we need: to be fully seen, heard, loved, chosen, and understood — either by the other or ourselves. Because if a person can’t meet or choose to meet the functional and healthy needs that we have, then we are given the opportunity to make a decision for ourself that tells ourselves that WE see us and WE honor us by making a decision that supports that. #mindfulmft
Waiting for “signs” that are outside of us is an easy way to be led astray, and at the very least, to not be in control of our own lives.
So many of us look for outside forces to guide us, choose for us, validate or invalidate what it is we *think* we’re going to do/not do. We set up mazes that say “if this happens and that happens then it means I should move forward with the relationship.” More specifically it might sound something like “if I get that promotion in under three months then I’ll ask her to marry me.” Or, “if my friends like him then I’ll continue dating him”. Or, “if we can go four months without fighting then we can think about having a child together.” Maybe it sounds like us asking a parent if they think we should try to get back with an ex or not. Or maybe it’s scrolling good ole IG and looking for a meme as a sign to end something or try again.
Here’s the thing, friends. Yes, people outside of us can often offer us beautiful thoughts to consider. They can ask us questions that lead us closer to ourselves. They can challenge us and inspire us. But they cannot choose for us.
Our work is to get present with ourselves. Every answer we need lies within. Our job is to get clear on the path to that answer. The “signs” are within us. But to get to those signs we must learn to get present with ourselves. We must learn what questions to ask ourselves. We must learn how to listen to that which is spoken. And we must learn how to trust that which is being said.
If we’ve been conditioned to second guess ourselves, to depend on others to make a decision, or to ignore our intuition, then trusting that the answer is within and knowing how to get there might feel like a tall order.
Know this. The voice is not gone. It’s just quiet. And it’s never too late to strengthen it.
Take a few minutes every day to close down the eyes, breathe, and just listen. Ask yourself how you’re feeling? Get specific. Scan your body. Because we can often identify the physical a bit easier it’s a good place to start. Then move towards where you’re feeling confused and begin to get curious. What makes it hard to find the answer within? #mindfulmft
The only way out is through... | Repost @mindfulmft ・・・
That’s the way. We must acknowledge it and then feel it. We must connect deeply to it and drop into the experience of the things we do not want to feel. What we avoid needs our attention the most. What we ignore is what our system needs to pay attention to.
What you don’t want to feel is the greatest indicator of what needs you the most. Do not ignore yourself in that way. Do not be like the people who do not see you, hear you, and acknowledge you; do not abandon yourself in that way. See your parts in the way they need to be seen. Feel your hurt so that it knows that it’s important to you. Do not make your pain unimportant.
Lean into that space. Feel it so that you can begin moving towards freedom. When you don’t, you keep yourself trapped. #mindfulmft
Similarities and differences both allow us to expand, just in very different ways. I’ve learned so much from people who have walked similar lives to me, and expanded in ways I didn’t know were possible through conversation with people who have entirely different life experiences.
Anyone who has a child will tell you the immense amount of teachings that young one has on them. And those who spend quality time with elders (something we all ought to consider) will tell you the beauty and wisdom that can be shared. Less about the extremes, consider someone 10 years younger than you, for example. Expand your story and trust that people have something to teach you. Lean into conversations with people who look, dress, and live differently. Experience someone’s culture or traditions with them. Spend time with people who grew up with a different socio-economic status. Learn what poverty felt like; learn what *just* blending in felt like: learn what the experience of not having to worry about money felt like. Sit with people who come from divorced families, blended families, intact families. Get to know each other’s stories. Sit with race. Understand privilege. Be curious. Learn. Share. Connect with people who are different from you. Learn their narratives. Listen to their stories. Be present to what it’s like living as they live.
What has been one way that you have leaned into differences and had it grow you? #mindfulmft
What we tell ourselves about ourselves is so important. This can't get stressed enough. That inner voice - the dialogue you have with yourself when you're not even paying attention, will have everything to do with the quality of your life and your relationships.
That voice is *constantly* going. Think about what you've told yourself so far today. What happened when you woke up? Thrilled for the day ahead? Or did you start off with "I do not want to get up/ I hate going to work." Ok...next...you finally get out of the door and on your way to work you hit major traffic ("I have the worst luck...this always happens to me")...or you walk by a really beautiful woman and then start comparing yourself to her ("I'm so hideous...no one will ever want me." Then later on, you see couples walking hand in hand, smiling and gazing at each other...and there that big voice goes "you're a loser for being single...no one is ever going to want to be with you. Why can other people have love, but I can't???"
This list goes on and on, the words change, maybe they're more cruel at times, maybe less, but I'd like to challenge everyone to pay attention to their inner voice this week. Try to observe yourself talking to yourself.
Your thoughts about yourself directly reflect your peace and suffering. The things that you're constantly criticizing need *conscious* attention. This means slowing down to identify that you hate going to work (yet you keep choosing to show up for the same job), it means working towards self acceptance and love. It means mastering your alone and making it feel so great that seeing others happy in love doesn't derail you.
We need to clean up our thoughts. Some of that might entail choosing differently...it may mean leaving your job, changing cities, leaving a relationship that only drains you, or putting more deliberate time into showing those around you that they're prioritized and loved. It may mean becoming more aware of your day to day thoughts and working towards compassion and gratitude. But for now, at least start with identifying what that inner voice says on a daily basis. It will reveal the areas that need growth and attention. #mindfulmft