Yup, we’re talking about sex, friends.
Go ahead, give it a double tap and don’t just save this post. Take up some space. Let your handle show on this post and let’s start changing the conversation.
Communication can be hard. But put sex into the mix and many of us get lost. We’re not sure how to ask for feedback or give it. We can get distracted in fears and insecurities and worry about what the other person might think if we reveal, share, express, direct, etc.
I have a lot to say on this topic, but tonight I wanted to focus on something so many of us can forget about.
Whether you’ve had many sexual partners, none, or somewhere in between, the best way for you to have an expansive and connected experience with the person who is in front of you is by listening to and being attuned to the person in front of you. Being informed by porn, books, past partners, or your imagination is not the roadmap to THEIR experience. (It may inform some of yours.) You and anyone new is a blank slate. You may know things about yourself but be aware of telling yourself that you know about theirs. I know it can feel confronting, but drop into curiosity. Ask questions. Explore your relationship to giving and receiving feedback. Be aware of what stories you’re telling yourself, the expectations you have, and what judgments try to nudge their way forward.
No, someone doesn’t need to like something just because someone else did. Ya know?! Just sit with that. Sit with any thought that sounds similiar to that.
This is a BIG conversation but I wanted to get it started. What do you have to add? #mindfulmft
Oh the stories we tell ourselves, and the programming that takes over our beliefs. People who are single can range from being really lonely to really connected, joyful, and at peace. People who are in relationship can range from being lonely to really connected, joyful, and at peace. Wowzas. Would you look at that? We’ve been told so many times before that people who are in relationships are happier than singles. But it’s not so simple and straight forward.
Let’s break this down a bit. Yes, research *does* show us that people who are truly happy in their relationships report happier and healthier lives than people who are happy and content with being single, but happy and content singles take the win when they’re up against people who are in relationships that are unhappy and dysfunctional (which...is a pretty high percentage). It’s not wrong to emphasize the value of healthy relationships, it’s just damaging to emphasize being in ANY relationship as the goal. And unfortunately, so much of our messaging and programming supports that. The fact that we don’t generally learn how to have healthy relationships as we’re growing up, the age constraints many women are constantly reminded of, the fears around youthfulness being lost, are all things that can easily walk all of us down the aisle to this programmed (false) victory and celebration we attach to being in a relationship.
Being in healthy relationships is the win. Being connected, supported, knowing you’re loved and cared for (and doing the same in return), trusting that your experience is as important as you’re partner’s (and vice versa), being able to share your inner most truths...these things improve our lives. Plain and simple.
So here’s the message. Being single and happy is pretty damn amazing. It’s a beautiful space to exist in. Wanting a relationship to just want a relationship and to avoid the story that there’s something wrong with you because you’re single is total bullshit. Wanting a relationship because you see the value in partnership and the beautiful things that can come along with that is incredible. Healthy relationships will change your world. Commit to that. Do THAT work. #mindfulmft
Your inner child needs to trust you as the adult. As the adult who can finally watch over you and protect you, lead you, guide you, and love you. When you tell your inner self that you’re going to do something and then don’t do it, there’s going to be a war inside. Don’t test that little munchkin in there. They’ll let a roar out and create some chaos that screams “stop messing with me!” Take care of your inner self by giving it what it needs. By seeing them and hearing them and honoring them. What gets in the way of following through on your word to yourself? What blocks you from sticking to your goals and pathway towards healing? Spend some time in that space and see what comes forward for you.
It’s hard to heal if your internal system knows you’re not going to follow through. Instead of a full on commitment, try some gentler language that’s a bit more workable as you chat it up with yourself: “Hey (inner) you, I know you need me right now. I see you and I hear what you’re craving. I’m going to try really hard to protect you in this moment, but sometimes I get scared too and misstep. Hang in there with me as I figure this one out, okay?!” You dig?! What’s your inner child need to hear from you?
As a start point, make one promise to yourself every day that you know you can keep. Start building up that internal sense of trust with yourself. If you happen to not keep the promise make sure you acknowledge it to yourself. Gently. Lovingly. But start somewhere. Start small.
October: COUPLES RETREAT
Link in bio. A couple of spots left.
Depletion. The things that take us away from ourselves, away from connection, honesty, transparency, authenticity, groundedness, acceptance, and more. These things weaken our systems, they weaken our sacred energy, and they weaken our relationships (to self and others). It’s important for us all to identify where in our lives we allow for depletion. Get curious here. Do you overwork? Do you lie? Do you present an image of yourself to the world that isn’t actually you that you need to keep up? Where do you pretend? Where do you hold within that needs to come out?
Naming and identifying these things to yourself is an important first step. And then leaning towards integrating a new way of living that will expand and uplift your world is important. In what ways can you be more honest? Can you share how you’re really feeling? Can you eliminate the small lies? Can you move away from behavior that is dishonorable to others? Think on it. How can you be more present and connect? Do you eliminate devices? Do you look a person in the eyes? Do you take the long way home to connect with yourself? Shop at local businesses? Strike up a conversation with a stranger? What could it be?
Reflect on this this week. What depleted your soul, and what brings it back? #mindfulmft
Waiting for “signs” that are outside of us is an easy way to be led astray, and at the very least, to not be in control of our own lives.
So many of us look for outside forces to guide us, choose for us, validate or invalidate what it is we *think* we’re going to do/not do. We set up mazes that say “if this happens and that happens then it means I should move forward with the relationship.” More specifically it might sound something like “if I get that promotion in under three months then I’ll ask her to marry me.” Or, “if my friends like him then I’ll continue dating him”. Or, “if we can go four months without fighting then we can think about having a child together.” Maybe it sounds like us asking a parent if they think we should try to get back with an ex or not. Or maybe it’s scrolling good ole IG and looking for a meme as a sign to end something or try again.
Here’s the thing, friends. Yes, people outside of us can often offer us beautiful thoughts to consider. They can ask us questions that lead us closer to ourselves. They can challenge us and inspire us. But they cannot choose for us.
Our work is to get present with ourselves. Every answer we need lies within. Our job is to get clear on the path to that answer. The “signs” are within us. But to get to those signs we must learn to get present with ourselves. We must learn what questions to ask ourselves. We must learn how to listen to that which is spoken. And we must learn how to trust that which is being said.
If we’ve been conditioned to second guess ourselves, to depend on others to make a decision, or to ignore our intuition, then trusting that the answer is within and knowing how to get there might feel like a tall order.
Know this. The voice is not gone. It’s just quiet. And it’s never too late to strengthen it.
Take a few minutes every day to close down the eyes, breathe, and just listen. Ask yourself how you’re feeling? Get specific. Scan your body. Because we can often identify the physical a bit easier it’s a good place to start. Then move towards where you’re feeling confused and begin to get curious. What makes it hard to find the answer within? #mindfulmft
This weekend at the retreat our group came back to this over and over again. It’s hard being vulnerable. It’s confronting to get intimate with ourselves. And on top of that, we don’t have guarantees with it.
We don’t always trust and believe that doing it will lead us somewhere good. And yet what we learned this weekend was that leaning into revealing ourselves is still worth it because the external outcomes we try to control don’t actually matter as much as we think they do. Leaning in became worth it because the process of acknowledging ourselves, witnessing ourselves, having others witness us (yes, sometimes even strangers), and choosing not to hide ourselves anymore was THE powerful victory.
So many of us are afraid of rejection. We’ve experienced it before and don’t ever want to go back there. We’re afraid of not being what that person wants. We’re afraid that revealing ourselves will be the reason the people we love won’t want to love us or choose us. We convince ourselves that hiding is the safest way to make it through. Maybe that means not using our voice, not setting the boundary, hiding behind too rigid of boundaries, choosing to only share the things we think the other person can handle and so on. We hide ourselves so often and so easily, and then we begin to hide ourselves from ourselves. We use rationalizing and explanations to assist ourselves in hiding. We make up excuses, create stories, and find every reason in the book to make something okay when it isn’t.
It must stop. If we can’t reveal ourselves to ourselves then we aren’t listening to that which needs to be heard. If we don’t reveal ourselves to others then we can’t get that which we need: to be fully seen, heard, loved, chosen, and understood — either by the other or ourselves. Because if a person can’t meet or choose to meet the functional and healthy needs that we have, then we are given the opportunity to make a decision for ourself that tells ourselves that WE see us and WE honor us by making a decision that supports that. #mindfulmft
Hosting The Singles Retreat this weekend with @ManTalks and I’m feeling this quote big time as we close on Day 1.
To release and to receive. To not control while also deeply trusting and knowing one’s worth. This is a pivotal moment in our lives. A moment that comes over and over again as we are confronted with insecurities, fears, and doubts, time and time again. This is it. To release and to receive. To detach and feel a sense of calm and certainty in oneself, and to trust in the presence with self.
Yes, relationships are critical in our lives. To be loved by another is so powerful and a beautiful experience that can lead to expansion. And yet, needing it, relying on it, depending on it, or attaching to its outcome detracts from the purity that is required.
To release the control does not mean we release the belief that we are deserving and worthy. To release control means that we still believe we are deserving and worthy AND we allow the freedom of others to choose (and vice versa). If your sense of worth or deservingness is attached to others, you will not be able to feel deeply and purely loved.
You can let go of the need to be loved while simultaneously knowing and trusting that you are or can be loved. This is a life changing moment that creates peace, freedom, and the deepest and purest level of love. #mindfulmft
Comparison of wounds is a distraction from being present to them. Any distortion leads you away from being connected to your experience. Stop wound comparing. Acknowledge your own experience. Feel into it. Give yourself a path forward.
We all know that wounding and trauma isn’t fun. No one is waiting in line for it and wishing it upon themselves or another, but the reality is you can’t heal if there isn’t a wound. You can’t deepen your relationship with yourself if you’re not tested and tried. There’s no story to tell if you walk an unwounded life (not to be confused with glorifying our wounding). Our story is what connects us to ourselves and what connects us to the people in this world who need our story, our resiliency, our vulnerability, and our growth.
It’s not meant to be easy; it’s meant to be courageous and brave. It’s meant to be demanding. It’s meant to need your attention and be hard work.
There’s nothing to heal if there’s never been a wound. So surrender to the learning and the trials. The wounds are always bringing you closer...never farther away. #mindfulmft
* we completed our first 6 week course not too long ago and decided to run the course again in September. The Get The Love You Want digital course pre-registration is in my stories and the link in my bio. Pre-registration will give you first access and a discount code for the course so go ahead and sign up there!! We’ll see you in September!
Similarities and differences both allow us to expand, just in very different ways. I’ve learned so much from people who have walked similar lives to me, and expanded in ways I didn’t know were possible through conversation with people who have entirely different life experiences.
Anyone who has a child will tell you the immense amount of teachings that young one has on them. And those who spend quality time with elders (something we all ought to consider) will tell you the beauty and wisdom that can be shared. Less about the extremes, consider someone 10 years younger than you, for example. Expand your story and trust that people have something to teach you. Lean into conversations with people who look, dress, and live differently. Experience someone’s culture or traditions with them. Spend time with people who grew up with a different socio-economic status. Learn what poverty felt like; learn what *just* blending in felt like: learn what the experience of not having to worry about money felt like. Sit with people who come from divorced families, blended families, intact families. Get to know each other’s stories. Sit with race. Understand privilege. Be curious. Learn. Share. Connect with people who are different from you. Learn their narratives. Listen to their stories. Be present to what it’s like living as they live.
What has been one way that you have leaned into differences and had it grow you? #mindfulmft
It’s really easy to want to help someone by trying to shrink their pain for them. We often feel like we’re lifting something off of their shoulders by telling them it will pass, that it could be worse, and that it’s not so bad. But the funky part of all of that is that we run the risk of minimizing and invalidating their experience.
If there’s one thing I know to be powerful in any relationship it’s being present to and honoring the experience of another (and of course for ourselves, too.) And part of doing that is letting someone’s pain have space. We hurt because something mattered to us. We feel because it’s teaching us something. We experience because it can lead us to our growth and transformation.
Create space for people. Create space for yourself. Be gentle with your heart while still moving towards peace, freedom, and healing. Be mindful of the ways you support others, be aware of your words, and let love lead you. #mindfulmft
If you hide, shrink, distort, shape shift, or try to be any version of yourself that you’re not, your system can never truly trust that the other person is choosing you. When we do the above, our system can never be grounded in knowing that another loves us...as we are...all of our parts.
The extent to which we allow ourselves to be seen, the extent to which we bring ourselves forward fully exposed, is the extent to which another being actually has a chance of fully loving us (and us knowing that we are fully loved.) Drop the walls. Stop fitting into the box you think someone else wants. Trust that there are humans who can love you and choose you as you are. Bring your heart forward. Bring your story forward. Bring your honest self forward and give your heart a chance to rest peacefully. #mindfulmft
SIGN UP for the MINDFULMFT newsletter in the link in my bio.