I can tell you all the places I’ve been, but I can’t even attempt to tell you where I’m going. If there’s one thing I’ve learned in the last three years of traveling and moving and career changes, it’s that you can plan all you want for the life you think you want to lead, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to be the best life for you to be leading. So where have I been? I’ve gone from eating disordered to drug addict to sober (still smoke 💨) to sponsor and advocate. I’ve gone from raised in the south to living in New England to living in California (and several places in between). I’ve gone from medicating my mental illnesses in order not to feel to off medications in order to feel and work through. I’ve gone from dependent on a partner to single for a prolonged period of time, and perfectly fine being alone. I’ve gone from wanting to be an attorney my entire life (since 8y/o) to becoming an attorney and passing the bar in multiple states, to leaving law for yoga and that #influencerlife before realizing my influencer marketing stuff was really just my passion for digital marketing coming to the forefront (and now I’m the head of a marketing department). I could never have planned my life would lead me to where I am today, I actually planned it out quite differently than how it currently looks. 🤷🏻♀️ BUT I’M HAPPY so idc what happened to those plans. 👍🏻Circumstances and desires aligned in a way that led me down a path different from one i ever imagined. And while i can’t telll you where I’m going, i know from here on out, I’m always headed in the right direction. #headhighheartforward
Wearing this gorgeous compass necklace from @sincerelysilverco as a reminder.
My practice at home is very different from the pictures i share on Instagram. My physical practice is slow and often unimpressive, but very deliberate. I hold poses for extended periods of time and push myself to sit with the discomfort of a deep stretch. I don’t focus on tricks or flashy poses, I focus on what will release tension in my body, open me up, and build strength, and more often than not, those are the things that are considered more “basic”. After I do my practice, THEN I play with the advanced things. A consistent practice of the basics is what gets you to the point where you can start to play with the things that are more advanced, or the things we like to post online because they look cooler. Let’s not kid ourselves, instagram is a visual platform. I’m not ashamed to admit I’ll post the flashier things to get people’s attention so that they’ll read what i have to say, IMO that’s kind of how this works when you only have up to 7 seconds to capture someone’s attention before they move on. If i didn’t have so many issues uploading videos to my feed, I’d post more snippets of my home practice, but more often than not, the damn app crashes on me when i try and upload them (ugh). But what about you? Is your practice the same on and off the gram? What does your home practice look like versus what you share?
Trigger Warning-Suicide Related
Depression-deep, dark and severe depression has been a part of my life for since I was teen. I’ve been on more medications than I can count and tried various form of self medicating and self harm for years. I’ve been down deeper into the darkness than I’ve felt comfortable sharing, but nothing I’ve experienced was like what I went through the later half of 2017.
And then it happened-I woke up one day and suddenly my depression wasn’t mine anymore. After around 15 years of managing it, and more recently 3 years of controlling it rather than it controlling me, everything started violently spiraling down the drain and I couldn’t come up for air. If I got out of bed it was to eat and go back to bed. If i left the house, I wouldn’t leave without Cailey because I was scared about what I do if I was alone. For the first time in my life when my therapist asked me if I’d had suicidal thoughts I felt like acting on, I couldn’t say no, and for me as an advocate for mental health, speaking those words was one of the hardest things I had to do. To admit that after years of hard work, I was worse off than I’d ever been was horrifying, but that didn’t stop it from being true. I was tired of fighting for a reason beyond my pets to get out of bed but I could no longer find one on my own. There was no cause or trigger that caused it. It was happening and my mind was a scary place to be viewing the world from. BUT I GOT THROUGH IT.
I told my mom, very seriously what i was going through. I called one of my friends who had been suicidal in the past and talked to him for hours. I borrowed money from another friend so i could afford therapy before my medi-CAL kicked in (this was during the 6 months after I moved, post break up before i found my current job) and I worked my ass off regularly to fight for something I was no longer sure was worth fighting for. BUT IT WAS AND IT STILL IS. It always will be.
I can keep fighting but there are those that don’t know how. There are those that need help. There are those that need support. If you are one of those, I’m here for you. I love you. You can get through this. #worldsuicidepreventionday
To the people telling me to “let it go and walk away”, I respectfully say this (also swipe for some background info if you don’t follow my stories)::
Letting go and walking away in the face of actively abusive and violent people is no longer an option for me. When I see it playing out in a public forum in a way that people could actually be hurt by, my silence contributes to their pain. If I didn’t take action against the person who robbed me on our date as if showing up with a weapon strapped to his pant leg wasn’t enough, some other woman could get hurt. So yes I could let it go and be the type of yogi that ppl assume i am. I could love and light the situation away and wish them all the good and healing vibes. But that doesn’t change what’s happening. That doesn’t change the fact that people like this are putting other people at risk. Awareness starts conversations. Not all of them are going to be productive, and not all of the conversations are going to be pleasant. What is certain though is that abusive people are only able to continue to act abusively when their behavior is either explicitly or implicitly allowed. To some...to many, silence is implied acceptance, and sometimes awareness and action is more important then upholding the ideal of how others think Yogis (or women) should behave. There are a lot of times I’ve been silent for fear of what other people, especially my followers would think or how they would react. But then why do i have this platform? Just to share yoga pics and make the occasional $ of ads? I want to do more. I what to try with whatever force of words or will or influence I have too point people in a better direction, to offer help, and to do better. I think that as a yogi, as a woman, as a domestic abuse survivor (and a few more things ) and just someone trying to be a good member of society that speaking out as necessary and something many of us should do more often. #headhighheartforward .
Sometimes I successfully pull off chaturanga with 70 extra pounds on my back (Cailey and I have been working on new yoga tricks). And the rest of the time I fall in my stomach, can’t break her treats into smaller pieces and end up laughing at myself. Orrrrr she gives up on doing it over and over to get it on camera and just lays down waiting to be fed. 😂🤷🏻♀️ Either way, I love this time with my girl. For the full video, head over to my igtv! .
I have always said that if multiple people say the same thing about your personality, character, or behaviors without having consulted each other, then it might be time to examine your self and whether or not that’s true. In the context of social media, because we don’t know the people giving us criticism or feedback, it’s easy to dismiss them as bullies, haters, jealous, etc. It’s somewhat easy to present the life we want others to think we are living versus the life we really live and keep up a facade of introspection by politely dismissing the feedback we get. Trolling and bullying is a real problem online, but that’s not the type of feedback I’m talking about. I’m talking about constructive criticism from others in our community who are gently (or sometimes forcefully) pushing us towards growth. Now it might not be their place and it might be unwanted, but it’s happening, so use it to your advantage. Use it as a chance to better yourself, whether it be through accepting/rejecting criticism with grace, doing some self reflection, or just having a conversation with someone who has a difference of opinion. We can’t control when people will confront us with our perceived problems, but we can control how we absorb and respond to the information. #headhighheartforward#workinprogress
Photo by @justinyoga
I’ve been posting on Instagram for the better half of a decade. I’ve never taken more than a few days off since then until now. Social media is a double edged sword and recently one of the edges was cutting a bit deeper than the other. Let me explain...
I got my job and new career focus because of my ability to build up my own account and use those skills to help others (in conjunction with my education and some other skills). I’ve made amazing connections, some of my best friends, and been giving a lot of great opportunities because of this app. I’ve explored so many cool places and tried a lot of new things and definitely learned more about photography...and myself through ig. But I’ve also lost friends, been used, and been taken advantage of. I’ve experienced jealousy when others gain more followers than me, I’ve gotten down on myself when people are losing weight and I’m gaining. I’ve compared my practice and progress in asana to others and gotten swept up in feeling the need to compete to have the deepest pose or prettiest backdrop or most well composed photo. All of these things are normal parts of the human experience, but for me, when they start to come up over and over again, they become harder to let go of and start a negative pattern of behavior that impacts my mental health and overall well being. That’s why i took a break from posting. I felt uninspired to share my messages because i was letting the those things affect me more than they should. When i get caught in a pattern like that, I have to take a step back and reevaluate. It means losing followers and hurting my engagement, but it also reminds me that those aren’t why i do this and neither is any of the other negative stuff I’ve been having come up recently. Idk if i have a point so much as i just wanted to share where my head has been at and why i haven’t been posting lately. So here’s a pretty pic of some sunflowers and me strategically hiding my belly Bc i felt bloated and was accident aware of my recent weight gain during this shot. The things we do for the gram right? 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
Have you ever experienced the ups and downs of ig like this? Feel free to share below or send me a dm!
There’s only one way for me to be able to do all things I love while working a full time job; that’s by maintaining balance. Culturelle Women’s Healthy Balance helps me make it possible. #sponsored Traveling for work makes it really difficult for me to maintain a healthy diet. Because of the severity of my celiac, my options are limited when I’m traveling. When my gut health is off balance, the rest of my life is too. My yoga practice, my time outdoors, my time at work, they are all important to me, so maintaining my digestive health is key. @culturelleprobiotics helps with digestive health, which helps keep my immune system healthy, which helps keep me active and healthy. But Culturelle goes beyond that. This formulation helps maintain women’s biological health. Did I say health enough yet? Lol. #begoodinside
In contrast to the meditation found in yoga practice, the psychoanalytic aim is to observe the shadowy presentation — whether in the form of images or of feelings — that are spontaneously evolved in the unconscious psyche and appear without his bidding to the man who looks within. In this way we find once more things that we have repressed or forgotten. Painful though it may be, this is in itself a gain — for what is inferior or even worthless belongs to me as my Shadow and gives me substance and mass. How can I be substantial if I fail to cast a Shadow? I must have a dark side also if I am to be whole; and insasmuch as I become conscious of my Shadow I also remember that I am a human being like any other. -Carl Jung #headhighheartforward
It’s hard to admit that you have a potentially lifelong issue. It’s even harder to completely accept that fact and be at peace with it. We all want to win the wars we wage against ourselves, but often the best we can hope for is to win the battle day by day.
We say the word recovery as if it means that you are past your problems. In reality, being in recovery is only the first step to lifelong management of whatever you’re dealing with. For example, an addict in recovery may no longer be using, but still has to come to terms with that being a for-life endeavor; with the jealousy that comes with seeing others consume something casually while you know you can’t participate. Someone with a mood disorder may be managing their condition and currently be stable, but still has to be able to accept the fact that s/he will always have that mood disorder and it may affect his/her life if not diligently attended to . These are only two examples, and both are me speaking from personal experience.
Recovery doesn’t mean the battle is over, recovery means the tools are there to fight the war against addiction, eating disorders, whatever. But we still have to wake up each day ready to fight for ourselves. Some days are easier than others. Some days seem almost impossible. But every day you make it through is another battle won. #headhighheartforward